Lose weight instead of swallowing your feelings.
Four years ago, Barbara Konwinski of Wyoming, Michigan, weighed
268 pounds. "I was so angry - just angry at my life in general," the
54-year-old teacher, mother and wife recalls. "I felt I had no control
over anything."
Although she's normally
cheerful and outgoing, a series of events that would challenge anyone - her
husband's job loss when his company relocated, a house fire and a serious
accident involving her oldest son - brought Barbara to an emotional low. And
her weight to an all-time high. "Only food would appease me," she
recalls. "So I would grab a cookie, eat it and then feel worse, because in
addition to being angry and frustrated with my family's circumstances, I'd be
angry with myself for eating. Then I would turn around and eat two more
cookies."
Barbara was literally
stuffing her anger, something many women who struggle with their weight do,
experts say. This is how it works: You have a run-in at the office, you open
your mail to find a monster bill or your teenager rolls her eyes at you and
stomps away. Your next stop is the kitchen or perhaps the staff lounge, where
somebody brought in a cake. Never mind that you have been making a conscious
effort to eat less. Down goes the cake, the leftover pizza or whatever else is
around.
"We've
learned from thousands of patients that women often internalize their
anger," says Gerard J. Musante, Ph.D., director of Structure House, a
residential weight-loss center in Durham, North Carolina. "They use food
to deal with the depression, emotional hurts and reduced self-esteem that
follows."
"People who swallow their anger feel, for whatever reason,
that they can't express it, so they resort to food," says Thomas Wadden,
M.D., director of the Center for Weight and Eating Disorders at the University
of Pennsylvania's medical school.
"The irony is, nobody
enjoys eating when they're stuffing hostile feelings," Dr. Wadden adds.
"Even if it's delicious, you may not notice the taste or how much you've
eaten."
Eating out of anger or
frustration often sparks binges, which can really pile on the pounds, says
Howard Rankin, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Inspired to Lose. Rather
than eating just one or two cookies, you eat the whole bag, only to then move
on to other food items. Keeping anger under wraps also is draining, because it
uses a lot of energy, says Dr. Rankin. "The angry person may feel very empty
and very hungry, with a desperate need to eat."
9 Ways to Change
The comfort of a sugar
high is another factor. In the 1970s, researchers at MIT found that sugars and
starches have a powerful effect on serotonin, a brain chemical that helps
control both our emotions and our eating, which is why we tend to crave those types
of foods when we're upset. Some of the newer drugs for anxiety or depression,
such as Zoloft and Paxil, also help alleviate symptoms by increasing serotonin
activity in the brain. So, in a very real way, eating two jelly doughnuts or a
candy bar is a type of self-medication.
For Barbara, the turning
point was when she learned she needed quadruple bypass surgery at age 48. Lying
in her hospital bed, she resolved not to be a victim of emotionally triggered
eating any longer. "It was literally do or die," she recalls.
As soon as she was able,
she began going to local meetings of a national weight-loss support group
called Take Off Pounds Sensibly (TOPS). Through discussions with friends there,
she found the strength to change what she could about her life, including her
eating and exercise
habits. Barbara lost over 100 pounds and has kept most of the weight
off for four years. "Now I work off any anger and stress by exercising, not by eating. I feel
great!" she says.
If you suspect you often
eat because you're angry or frustrated, what can you do about it?
Recognize that your life is never going to be trouble-free.
There will always be people and situations that upset your equilibrium. Anger
or frustration may be totally justified. Your goal is not to deny those
feelings, but to react to them in ways that benefit you and don't involve food.
Put a name to what you are feeling.
If you can't respond to the provocation out loud, suggests Eleanor Cole, PhD, a
New York City psychologist who specializes in anger management, simply say to
yourself, "I am so angry! That creep has loaded me up with more than my
share of work again!" can be freeing.
Forgive yourself.
If the person you're angry with is you, talk to yourself about those feelings.
Then make a conscious effort to forgive yourself: "I'm mad that I couldn't
ask that waitress to take back the cold coffee. But maybe next time I'll feel
strong enough. It's okay that I'm not perfect." If you are honest with
yourself about your anger or frustration, you may be less likely to
"stuff" feelings.
Beware of "You can't control me!" or defiance eating.
"Defiance eating often happens between spouses when one complains about
the other's weight problem," says Dr. Wadden. "It also happens with
overweight adolescents when a parent polices the kitchen." Eating to
excess, even though it ultimately hurts the eater, is a way of expressing a
strong emotion that isn't coming out. A better response? At a calm moment, have
a frank discussion with your husband. Say, "Your criticism hurts and is
not helping me." Then suggest what he can do to help.
Take your emotional temperature each time you begin eating.
All the experts say so many Americans are overweight because we're constantly
surrounded by tasty treats and we reach for them. In fact, we often eat when
we're not truly hungry just because the food is there. Get into the habit of
asking yourself why you feel like eating, preferably before you take the first
bite. Plan ahead about what you will do if you are eating to ease negative
feelings. For example, say to yourself, "I'm not going to stay in the
conference room where all the food is. I'll calm myself by walking down to the
supply closet instead."
Install roadblocks to ward off emotionally triggered eating.
Dr. Musante says he knows one woman who never carries anything less than a $5
bill, because the food and candy machines at her office take only $1 bills. Of
course, she could ask a colleague for change, but often she regains her
equilibrium before she gets that far. Other ideas: Dump the fiction that you
buy goodies for your kids when you know you're prone to eat them yourself.
Agree to be "gripe buddies" with a friend. Instead of eating when
you're frustrated, call her to let off steam, and vice versa.
Reject lingering cultural baggage, like "Ladies don't get
mad."
Everybody gets mad. "I'm incredibly uncomfortable about having negative
feelings, especially when I'm around my mother," says lawyer Elizabeth
Summerfield, 46, of Los Angeles. Elizabeth says she knows a lot of her trouble
with expressing anger verbally comes from constantly having angry feelings
tamped down as a child. "It's still widely thought in our culture that it
simply isn't feminine to fight," she says.
Jot down what you eat each day.
Most people underestimate the number of calories they consume by 50 to 100
percent, observes Dr. Rankin. The more overweight you are, the more likely that
you often eat without being fully aware of how much is going into your mouth,
he says. Making a list helps you get a grip on what you eat, how much, when and
why.
Don't expect to totally change your anger style overnight.
Especially if your number-one anger trigger is your boss or job, don't just
wake up one morning and decide you're going to start telling people off, says
Dr. Cole. "While it's good to begin expressing angry feelings in an
appropriate way, if you've been passive previously and have taken what's handed
out to you, people around you often won't be happy about your new
behavior," she says. All changes in the way people act take time and
persistence.
Help for Emotionally Triggered Eating
If you find that you spend
a good portion of your time angry or frustrated and are overeating because of
it, you may want to get help. The following peer groups often discuss issues
surrounding emotionally triggered eating and are either free or have a nominal
fee.